1. Tomorrow I have a track meet. It is the first time I will be competing in three weeks. I am actually excited, and it has triggered some thoughts (I will get to that soon). This week I have noticed that my right hamstring is very sore. The thing is, is that my right hamstring is the one I tore my junior year in high school. An injury like that doesn't ever really go away. So one, it is scary to have it hurt, and two, I am wearing a sleeve on it to keep it from getting injured. I think I have already strained it, but the sleeve helps it so much. My coaches do not know that it is injured, but they will find out tomorrow when they see me wear the sleeve. I can't take it easy or not compete. I have been out for four weeks and don't have time to be hurt. SSOOO as a college athlete that is what you have to do...suck it up :)
2. Today was a really good day. My class this morning was canceled. No morning class = no alarm. I had track practice and later went to coffee with Deb and Rachel. We spent a lot of time talking (as girls do) and looking at furniture for our apartment next year. Let me tell you that craigslist is amazing for that. After we came back we ate dinner in the good ol' cafeteria, and Deb and I went to a literary event. This is an event I needed to attend for my creative writing class (Deb was just being a good friend and coming with me). This event was put on by an art club on campus. Before I went I thought about how bored I would be, and it was the complete opposite. I loved it. Poetry and stories were read, while photographs taken by fellow students were shown. It inspired me to actually come to my room and write like I love to do.
So this might come off random, because I am just writing from my heart, but I guess this is what writers do. And maybe if someone comes along and reads this blog they will like what they see leading me to a place in my life I never thought I would be :) But for now, I am writing to write, and writing to let my mind wander.
I went outside to write, but the grass was too wet. The weather tomorrow should be beautiful, 75 and sunshine. It reminds me of home right now. Which home? My first home. Before I came to college, and before I met Rachel and Deb. Before I met Bill and Hunter. Before Alija came into my life. The weather reminds me of the place where I started. And no, that isn't California. It's Idaho. So to embrace the moment of remembering what it is like to be me, I am taking a step back from finals, watching movies with friends, filling out pages of scholarships that I might not even get awarded to me, and writing. Writing about what I feel, writing about what I fear, and writing about anything that comes into my mind. What is life if I can't enjoy it? What is the point of running track if I am just upset every time I run? What is the point of training when I will just be disappointed with my time on the outside to show people that I can do better, but when in all reality I am proud of the time I ran? What is the point of not being happy right now? I have two more weeks of school, and three more weeks of track. Time is slipping away faster than ever before, and I feel as if I am feeling like it is still in the middle of the year. I went into last summer thinking about how my life changed within weeks. I came into the school year with my mind running 1,000 miles an hour, and now that it has finally slowed down, the year is almost over. Decisions for summer are going to be made, and my life may change again in a matter of weeks. I am not necessarily afraid of the change that is to come, but the memories of what is left behind. Seniors who are graduating will not be at my school, friendships that have bonded may not be as close, and seeing something as small as a bench that I once sat on with another person who will not be at my school next year will still be there. The bench marks a huge mountain in my life. To some people it is just a bench they walk past everyday, but to me it is where someone told me to take a chance. It is where my life altered, and I made a choice. It is what led me to this day, and now this day has come so fast that the bench will not have that person soon. I will be the only one to see the bench, and it will remind me of the change that has occurred. I know this is completely wishy washy, but these are the kinds of things that run through my mind everyday. I want to share what I see with others, I don't want to be the only one who sees them.
I don't want to be afraid of failure. In order for someone to feel success, they need to feel failure. I want to enjoy what I am doing. I don't want to ever look back and say "I wish I would have done that differently." That will happen regardless of who someone is because no life is perfect and not one person on this earth has made all decisions the right way, but I want to be happy with the decision I make. I don't want to be afraid of being wrong. I want to take every change I have. I want to be known. I want to live a life that is worth living. I want to live a life that is worth Jesus's blood. I want to love life. There are times when I sit before practice, or even nights like tonight before a track meet, thinking to myself "I wish I didn't have to run. I wish I didn't have to compete. I wish I could just relax." It's so pointless to think these things. I remember dreaming when I was a little girl of being so popular for my speed and winning a race. I remember what I dreamed of, and now I am right where I wanted to be wishing I could be doing something different. In all reality, I am thinking foolish thoughts because I am afraid to fail. What I need to do is not be fearful, and be all I can be. Be everything that God intended me to be. I don't want to be afraid of failure. I want to embrace what is around me. I need to love everything in my life, to be happy with the way I am living. Maybe not even loving EVERYTHING, but not taking advantage of what I have. This is because I know that when it is time for me to graduate and move on from this college life, I will look back and say "Dang, I wish I would have done things differently." That is what I want to prevent. I want to look back and say, "I wouldn't change a thing."
One thing that I do not love is the word average. I don't want to be an average height, I don't want to be an average person, and I don't want to live an average life. I want to make a difference, and I know God gave me this kind of heart. I want to some day look back and say "Wow. I did it. This is why I went through everything I did. It was to get here." I didn't exactly have time to be a child, and I didn't exactly have time to make the mistakes people around me made. There have been small moments when I say "Wow. This is why..." but I wonder if there is a larger moment. I understand why I went through the trials I did, and I accept them. I forget most of them by choice, but I accept them. That is why I don't want to be average. That is why I move 1,000 miles an hour. I don't want my past to catch me. I don't want the little girl who had to grow up troubled to catch my tail. I want to run into my future and squeeze fresh lemonade for my family while we all sit on our matching couches talking about our days. I know it is far fetch, but I want to give a life of perfection. I want to give the life I envisioned when I was so small.
Taking steps back in my eyes right now is loving life. Be happy with what is around me, and be thankful for the opportunities I have. Love track because I truly love it. Love memories because I had a chance to live them. Love today, because I don't know what is to come tomorrow.
That is what runs through my mind. Those are the things I want to write a book about. Those are the things that keep me going. It is as if they are gas in my tank :)
Here are Bible quotes that I think fit into this blog. And again, if there are many errors I am sorry :) I want to be able to write with errors in my own blog, because in my final papers my professors don't accept them!
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34
Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person get the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should. Otherwise, I fear that after preaching to others I myself might be disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9: 24-27
Let love be your highest goal!... 1 Corinthians 14: 1
I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength. 4 Philippians 12-13
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